I usually don’t write blogs this stark and serious, but I figured I’d update you all as to how I’m doing in a spiritual sense.
As most of you know by now, I have been attending James River Assembly for the past six months. The transition for me was huge and a bit of a shock — from a church of about 40-50 people to a church 120 times that. It was a bit much at first, but I made some good friends who helped me plug along. The Word is good so that’s awesome. I’ve been a part of the choir there so I’ve been plugged in consistently.
But there is one main reason I can’t call JRA my home church. You see, when I was attending Lakeside Church in Virginia, New Horizons in Washington, and Crimson House here, the churches were all smaller (less than 150 people) and had a real sense of community. There was a freedom in worship and the camaraderie among the believers was great. Even through the bad times in each of those churches, there was one thing you can’t overlook and it was the close-knitness of each church.
Contrast that with JRA, that while they do have spiritually sound teaching, I have had a hard time adapting to the megachurch structure. I’m not used to being among 3,000 people in each service and being lucky to stop and speak to a couple friends on the way out to the car. I’m not used to each service being limited to an hour and thirty minutes, and everything being so regimented to fit that time.
I’m more of a traditionalist when it comes to church in the sense that I’m not the biggest fan of the flashy announcement boards, I don’t need everyone on stage to look the same and wear the latest trendy fashions — instead, I just want something simple and tried and true that ministers to me and allows the Holy Spirit to move freely. Something that is warm, open and inviting to everyone in a more comfortable setting.
Now when it comes to the title of my post, I feel that I have indeed lost a part of who I am. I really can’t explain it too well, but a part of me grew up in the COGOP among small churches that functioned well and were effective in ministry. For me to give up my heritage to attend a much larger church that feels so much different makes me feel like I’ve sold out, and I’m kinda ashamed of it.
I do know one thing — I have lost the desire to be a part of the James River Choir. As such, I have no business being up there on the platform on Sundays because I cannot dedicate all I have to that ministry. And as of tonight, I have resigned from the choir…work constraints have played their role but honestly there are a multitude of reasons as to why I have lost the desire to be in the choir. I love worshipping the Lord but I just can’t continue doing something that my heart isn’t in.
On top of that, I have really prayed over the last two weeks (especially this last week while I was sick) for some guidance in where to attend church. I do know at this point it is not going to be James River Assembly from this point forward. My time there is over as I do not feel any more of a leading from the Lord to go there. What is really odd though, is that I don’t know where to go next.
Do I go back to Crimson House? I’m not hyped on the idea but I’m not completely opposed to it.
Do I search for another church? Realistically I know that’s what I should do but I’m so burnt out and I really don’t even want to have to go through the rigmarole of trying to get to know people all over again and try to fit in somewhere. It gets tiring and I’m just not up for it at this point in time.
So what do I do from here on out?
I don’t know — you all know just as much as I do. The only thing I do know is that I need to keep praying.
Let me reiterate that I find no fault with James River Assembly — rather, I just don’t fit well in the environment. I need something that offers me a bit more substance and I am now on the search for that.
Twitter Updates
I understand all too well and completely. I too am not finding choir a good fit for myself as I have shared with you. And I am in the same boat on several other issues that you raised in your post. So what to do? I have never been a church hopper, I have been with the COGOP for 32 years, that is a very long time. But I loved the connection like you stated that we had in COGOP and right now other then my life group, scrapbooking a few friends, I don’t have a solid connection at JRA either. So there it is, we have talked with each other but what to do my brother. Er, son I mean. lol
I know that choir isn’t working for me on so many levels but I won’t go into that here. I love the Word that is solid and challenging at JRA. I know that God placed me there for this past season to receive healing and to find myself again. But now that I have what do I do? I do as you say, I pray and who knows maybe we will both pay a visit to CH again, or maybe I stay at JRA. I need God to guide me too.
I love you bud and am so proud of you for making friends wherever you go, you are very much like your father in that area. You have made some good relationships and you work to never let them diminish. I will pray for you to find where God wants you to be. God places us in the body as it pleases Him. So I will also pray for a refreshing, for you may be guided to look for awhile and God can lift up and help you on this journey.
Mom
Well shoot. I hope I won’t be going to a church where none of my family goes! That would suck! I am definitely going to JRA, but I already have friends from high-school there. I guess that makes it easier for me.
-Jas
Jas-I don’t want you to misread my post. I didn’t say I was leaving JRA, just that I am praying about the whole situation. As I said, the Word is anointed, life groups, scrap-booking connections are good, and friends like Rich and Anita are fantastic. But on a whole I am no longer satisfied with some of the same points Christopher posted.
God brought such healing and help to me in a season of loss and not knowing myself through the various ministries at JRA. So if that is where God is leading you to go, then go and I believe you will be greatly ministered to in every area of your life.
I love you bud, Mom
I feel your pain bro. I have been there.
You have no idea how this warms my heart. This is such a good thing for you.
Chris,
Can totally relate to you like you wouldn’t believe!
My sister lived in Springfield for a year while attending
college there & had trouble connecting with a local
church. This was just shortly before the Crimsonhouse
move when the old church shared a building with a different
pastor and only had a Sunday pm service (couple stories
there – but won’t go there right now). We’ll just say the
icing on the cake was when the church moved the service
time up an hour & nobody bothered to call her & tell her. We
were visiting that weekend & specifically stayed in town late
to attend with her. We walked into the church just in time
for the dismissal prayer. The former pastor said he had
thought about calling her – but for whatever reason – didn’t.
He was very embarrased (and with good reason after we
all walked in with her).
She was living in a strange town & was a little shy visiting
other churches by herself – so we’d go “church shopping”
with her when we came in to visit. Visited the Central
church once – that was really an experience (especially
coming from a small church). Never felt more out of place in my life!
She finally moved back home & commuted to a local
college to finish her degree. While in Springfield, she
had all but stopped attending there other than when she came
home on weekends (which started to be once every 2 to 3 weeks).
My thoughts for her then – and possibly for you – Springfield is
an A of G town, and a college town. Surely there is a smaller
church (but not too small) that has young people more your age.
I know there was an A of G on National just a few block from the
university (don’t know anything about it?). I’d certainly take the opportunity to ask around a bit & see if there isn’t a smaller A of G where more college age kids attend.
I can relate on a personal level to you as well. I’ve been having
some major strugles in the smaller COGOP I’ve attended for all
my 30 some odd years (with several relatives.) I’ve been wrestling
with visiting a local A of G – but still haven’t been able to jump
out of the boat. It’s been a true battle. Part of me wants to leave
so badly & part of me feels guilty even thinking about it. I keep thinking things will eventually get better – but I’ve been thinking
that for several years now. Things have escalated the past year
after a pastoral change & I don’t know any more what I should do.
Tensions are high (on both sides) – lots of hurt feelings – and
pretty much a battle at times to even attend. That – coupled with
the fact that there are only 3 or so people that are even remotely
close to my age makes me feel so alone at times.
We’ll be praying for you! God can certainly use this time
to grow you in places you never knew existed!
I understand all too well and completely. I too am not finding choir a good fit for myself as I have shared with you. And I am in the same boat on several other issues that you raised in your post. So what to do? I have never been a church hopper, I have been with the COGOP for 32 years, that is a very long time. But I loved the connection like you stated that we had in COGOP and right now other then my life group, scrapbooking a few friends, I don't have a solid connection at JRA either. So there it is, we have talked with each other but what to do my brother. Er, son I mean. lol
I know that choir isn't working for me on so many levels but I won't go into that here. I love the Word that is solid and challenging at JRA. I know that God placed me there for this past season to receive healing and to find myself again. But now that I have what do I do? I do as you say, I pray and who knows maybe we will both pay a visit to CH again, or maybe I stay at JRA. I need God to guide me too.
I love you bud and am so proud of you for making friends wherever you go, you are very much like your father in that area. You have made some good relationships and you work to never let them diminish. I will pray for you to find where God wants you to be. God places us in the body as it pleases Him. So I will also pray for a refreshing, for you may be guided to look for awhile and God can lift up and help you on this journey.
Mom