The World According To Chris Brewer

Driving laws are pretty common across the board throughout the United States. Wherever one took driver’s ed, they learned how to properly signal, brake, shift to another lane, etc. Here in Springfield, Missouri, though, I am fully convinced the driver’s license offices have another criteria for being able to pass the exam.

I’ve heard many times that in Springfield, the only thing you have to do to get your driver’s license is pretty much say and spell your name. To actually be able to drive, you must possess a set of non-skills that will infuriate immigrants from other portions of this great nation and points beyond.

Here is a partial list of things I have seen just in the past three days here in Springfield. Bear in mind these are not elderly drivers either, and that’s what is really scary.

- On the on-ramp from Hwy 60 in Republic to the James River Freeway, I followed someone who proceeded at a 40 MPH clip, braked, then when there was no traffic, slowly accelerated to the speed limit on the freeway — which is 70. Said driver then proceeded to flick me the middle finger blessing as I passed him. Three miles down the road, he pulls right behind me and flashes his lights. I continue to brake and box him in between myself and a semi truck, all the way from Kansas Expwy to National Avenue.

- At the intersection of Sunshine Street and Glenstone Avenue, I was once again following an incapable driver. The traffic light was stale green, so the man in front of me has this novel idea to brake already (even though the light is still green!!!!!!!!!1111one) because the light is apparently gonna turn yellow soon. By doing this, he causes many an angered driver to lean on their horns and nearly causes a wreck. That wasn’t the worst part…he delayed my trip to the mall by 5 minutes. I needed to buy pants.

- On Hwy 60 driving into Republic from the James River Freeway, the road around 5 PM was congested. Not due to normal rush hour, mind you, but because of a John Deere tractor — in the left lane.

- On Sunshine Street near West Bypass, a man in a beaten-down Ford Econoline van drove in both lanes for well over 1/4 mile.

- I was gomered (passed on the right by ten cars, it’s the most ultimate disgrace while driving according to Jason and I) along with about ten other drivers on Glenstone headed north from James River Freeway due to a man who kept driving in the left lane with his blinker on. He proceeded to swerve in and out of three consecutive left turn lanes.

- I won’t even go into detail about the folks who see a cop under the National Ave. viaduct on the JRF. Speed limit’s 60 and they must feel Holy Ghost conviction because they all go about 45.

- I also routinely see cars fly through intersections when pedestrians have the right-of-way and are walking through them. This happens most often downtown.

- The right shoulder can be used to turn right off of a major highway, but I am sure most Springfield drivers do not know this. Mom and I encountered a paint truck who decided to lollygag and tie up traffic by driving about 45 in a 60 zone, then slowed down to a crawl still in the right lane before he turned.

As you can see, Springfield is unique in its crappy driverdom. Any other Springfieldians have similar experiences?