The World According To Chris Brewer

Dear God:

My name is Christopher Ray Brewer. I am twenty-three years of age, and I recently moved to Republic, Missouri. I have been a believer of yours since I was a kid, and I have only recently become a more devoted follower.

First off, please allow me to tell you that the Ozarks is beautiful country. I love those hills on Highway 13 toward Bolivar, you did a really nice job with those. And the sunsets here at night are gorgeous. I’ll bet Jesus, Paul and Moses are all sitting on their wraparound porches on Gold Street in Heaven sipping lemonade while watching the Midwest sunset.

I do have an area of concern I would like to mention. Ever since I have moved down here, or more specifically, beginning in January of this year, 1,975 years after your Son ascended into heaven and still hasn’t come back to the earth yet — the weather patterns around here have been a bit disturbing.

You may recall when your Royal Telephone switchboard was swamped with people from Missouri and points beyond, kindly asking that you spare their houses from tornadic destruction on January 8 and 9. Only a month later, those same people asked that you please direct branches to fall away from their places of residence and employment during a massive ice storm. And only two weeks ago, you received many requests from residents in low-lying areas that you please supernaturally protect their property from flooding during some massive rainstorms.

Now today, I am writing you because the local weather stations, who try many times unsuccessfully to predict what you are going to do with the clouds and wind direction, are today reporting that you are planning to strike multiple areas of Missouri with tornadoes once again. This has many of your believers, including myself, perplexed and once again requesting assistance from your sovereign almighty omnipotent power.

Lord, I know I haven’t been the best at following your commands. In fact yesterday I didn’t even make it to church. I am very sorry for that and I promise to make it up to you. But for the sake of myself and everyone else who calls your name in desperate and not so desperate times, please spare us the wrath of these horrific storms.

I also understand you are supposed to throw 2-3 inches of rain our way. Could you please make sure that doesn’t affect us as well?

You are absolutely the best, and thank you for everything you have done for me. Even though I don’t understand why you do what you do sometimes, you’re in control and ultimately I resign myself to that. I just wanted to make a simple request for all my fellow Ozarkers who have been hit hard by the weather over this winter/spring period, and we would all appreciate if you could send a little relief on a day in which we are expected to struggle with the elements once again.

Can’t wait to meet you some day. I look forward to it.

Your devoted follower,
Chris Brewer