I expected to start my life over after moving to Missouri. I just didn’t think it would be this tough.

Granted, I’ve been here a little less than two weeks, but I still don’t have a job, I have only a few friends and I’ve just now begun to pick up the pieces of a life that I somehow ruined over the last nine months.

I’ve had a ton of time to question a lot of things over the last two weeks. I’ve questioned my identity, questioned my faith and questioned if I really even know what the heck I need out of life.

I don’t know who I really am. I thought I knew. Yeah, I’m Chris Brewer, and I am a somewhat accomplished videographer/video editor/sound technician/et cetera, but who really am I?

I don’t know what I believe. I believe in God, of course, but I can’t seem for the life of me to get to know him at a level that a bunch of people around me do. I’m blown away by how spiritual everyone at the church I attend now is, and I thank God for them and their commitment. I see Christianity in a whole different way than the rest of my family and church organization does, and that bothers me for some reason. I don’t speak in tongues, I don’t instantly know what to pray for people when they need prayer, and I don’t even know what to pray for myself. My faith needs a lot of building back up. I killed off most of the faith I had when I moved to Oregon instead of following God’s voice, and it’s going to take awhile to get it all back.

I don’t know what I want out of life. I have a better vision of it now, and that’s to help others. I can honestly say that aside from making people laugh and enjoy the moments I’m with them, I have not left any lasting impressions on anyone. And that’s because I don’t allow myself to leave impressions on people or vice versa.

So yeah, that’s why I’m in Springfield, to be with people I know can help me out. Because right now I’m a mess.

Looking on the bright side, I’ve got nowhere to go but up. With God’s help and the help of my slowly expanding circle of friends, I’ll get there, in due time.

Way to kill Michigan. 39-7 IN THE BIG HOUSE.

Either we’re better than I thought we’d be this year, or Michigan is horribly awful.

GO MIGHTY OREGON!

Sorry, Springfieldians. It rains all the time in the Northwest and for some reason it decided to follow me down here to Southwestern Missouri. My bad.

Seriously though, it’s been raining for about a day here now. And the thunder just keeps rumbling away in the distance. They’re saying it’s not going to stop until late Monday.

When it rained in Portland, we shrugged it off, but even the same amount of rainfall here can flood roads and swell rivers at a moment’s notice. It’s kinda weird.

Oh well, summer’s ending and this signals it. It’s still humid outside, which I can’t stand but I’m going to have to get used to — but that should start dying down over the next couple months.

Enough about the weather. Just for fun, let’s look at my top songs of the week that I’ve been listening to at home, in the car, etc…on my Motorola that acts as my iPod for the time being.

[audio:http://p1.tradebit.com/usr/palmsout/pub/3005/Gravitys-Rainbow--Van-She-Remix-.mp3]
“Gravity’s Rainbow (Van She Remix)” by the Klaxons. The track doesn’t sound anything like the original but it’s a nice piece of robot rock. The musical landscape changes in a big way from about 1:22 - 1:50.

[audio:http://home.att.net/~fdeleon/My_October_Symphony.mp3]
“My October Symphony” by the Pet Shop Boys. I love the track, love the album. I don’t know why the PSB were so enamored by the Russian Revolution, though.

[audio:http://farkascs.televersions.com/orsi/royksopp/03 - 49 Percent.mp3]
“49 Percent” by Royksopp. Kinda weird sounding, but the song’s pretty neat. I like the string accompaniment about 4:12 into the song.

[audio:http://urbanrecords.co.uk/mp3s/101792-1.mp3]
“So Right” by Jetlag. Nice chill house groove…at about this point in time, it makes me want to go to the beach. Oh wait, I don’t live an hour from it anymore. Crap.

Last night was real cool. After church last night, Pastor invited me to go with him and Jody, another guy from our church (hi, Jody) to the first-ever Springfield Cardinals playoff baseball game at Hammons Field.

The game was a pleasant experience. Nice to hang with great people, and not to mention enjoy a wonderful baseball facility. Hammons Field puts any other minor league ballpark to shame. It was also nice to enjoy a Cardinals win, and meet some friendly folks who were out enjoying the game as well.

Springfield, from what I gather so far, is light years ahead of Portland in the courtesy department. I’ve had people say hello to me while walking past me in the mall. Stark contrast to Portland, where everything is faster-paced and people are so absorbed in their own lives.

The church here is great as well. Not the best building, and not the richest people monetarily, but the folks at Crimson House Ministries are golden. Love ‘em all. On a good Sunday you’ll see about 40-50 people sitting scattered in the pews, but it’s 40-50 people who are committed to their church and reaching out to everyone. Every single person that has expressed a willingness to serve holds a ministry position, and it’s wonderful. It’s evident that Pastor Pace’s vision of having everyone involved in ministry not only gives people a good reason to attend, but everyone ends up catching the same vision and working not so much to gain numbers, but to help people that are there grow spiritually and then get out and reach out in the community. That’s what it’s all about.

Speaking of which, I’ve been appointed to the Publishing team, so look for a new Crimson House website sometime soon. I proposed a plan to Pastor and I hope we can set it in action soon. Of course I can’t do it by myself…it’s a true team effort.

It’s 1:14 AM and my body still thinks it’s 11:14 PM, the previous day. I better get some rest.

Because they lowered the price to $399 for the 8GB models.

Man, I need a job FAST.

And I’m out the door to search for one.

Lately I’ve taken a liking to ambient/melodic music. Specifically the band Sigur Ros.

Check out their album ( ) if you get a chance.

[audio:http://www.indietastic.net.nyud.net:8080/mp3/VTsongs/13_3.mp3]

Also, I heard a great track the other day that features Jon Pir Birgisson, the frontman for Sigur Ros — “Over the Pond” by The Album Leaf.

[audio:http://www.talkingsexradio.com/mp3/music/Over_the_Pond284.mp3]

Great stuff.

So here I sit in Republic, Missouri, 8 miles southwest of Springfield — actually I’m lying here right now and quite frankly, contemplating my future.

The basic reason I left one of the greatest cities in the world (Portland, Oregon for those who do not know) is that God called me here. If you want a primer on why I’m here, read this post.

The question remains, now that I’m here, what do I do? I have only a couple friends, no job, and I live with my parents for the time being. Not exactly the glamorous lifestyle I hoped for moving here, but what do you expect after only having been in town five days, three of which were spent sick in bed.

So tomorrow, the intense Chris Brewer Job Hunt begins. I won’t work in foodservice but there should be a bunch of good possibilities with other jobs around here. They won’t pay as well as they would in Portland, but the dollar will stretch a lot farther because the cost of living around here isn’t as expensive.

It’s been kinda tough waking up every morning and realizing that no, I’m not in Portland anymore and all the friends I could simply call up and hang out with in ten minutes are now 2,000 miles away. I’m sure I will find some new friends, and that I look forward to. I have a couple friends here already and my network will expand over time, I’m sure. Hey, maybe I might even find a stable woman here too.

I’m off to bed…lame, I know but Jason was visiting this weekend and we had to wake up early to take him to the airport in Tulsa today. Tomorrow’s a big day…and I’ll blog a bit more about the church and my involvement there.

In case you’ve all been wondering why I haven’t updated the blog in a couple days, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

It feels like some sort of flu bug…my stomach has been in knots, each time I stand up I feel woozy and dizzy, and all I really want to do is sleep. I got up for a bit and felt really good for about 4-5 hours yesterday until I regressed last night and had to go to bed early.

So now here I sit at 5:47 AM on a Saturday morning feeling okay and needing something to drink. I could go for some Gatorade right now.

I hope I’m better by the church picnic on Sunday.