Chris Brewer, Introspective And Unedited
Christmas is sixteen days away and Aftan has arrived home from Oregon State University. She gets nearly a month off from school before she has to go back in early January. It’s great to have her back, but that means her room has become hers again and I am relegated to sleeping on a cot near the back porch. It’s cold out there but with four blankets I’m sure I’ll survive.
I’m really excited for tomorrow. Aftan and I get to dress up and go out on the town, seeing the Oregon Ballet Theatre’s performance of the Nutcracker Suite…and after that we’ll have a fancy dinner. I’m kinda frugal when it comes to eating out so the fanciest I want to get is Olive Garden. 
We’ll have to see what Aftan wants though since I surprised her with two early Christmas presents tonight and one of them was dinner anywhere at her choice of restaurant, but the meal cannot cost more than $25 per person. I think she’ll choose Olive Garden!
I haven’t blogged about my new church much (actually old church, if you take into account I attended there most of my childhood and teenage years), for which I apologize. It’s been great to meet up with people I’ve known for years and have finally received the opportunity to come back home to. The Smiths, Caminas, Birch’s, Almquist’s, Kenning’s, Ells’, and many other people I have been close to have been nothing short of wonderful. It’s been great to see Kristin Tisdale again, who has been one of my closer friends since 2002, and also it was great to run into Joel Gibby during my attempt to apply for a job at the Camas School District. I was even able to get in touch with Katie Hargett, a friend from when we attended church camp together, and hear about how she’s been able to travel the world via her school.
I’ve been getting involved a lot, and the drive to and from Washougal is worth it. Thursday night we went to Daybreak, a drug rehab facility for teenage boys, to share the Word and minister however we could. Rainier, Cris, Pat and I all shared words of encouragement and hope for young people who have been told there is no hope. Daybreak is a great ministry tool and I’m going to join the ministry team that goes out there every Thursday night. When I went there I saw just how much these kids suffer and put on a front, yet they need something to hold on to in their lives. I’ve got a real burden for the people there after just being there once, and I am thankful for God giving Rainier Camina vision and ministering through him to troubled youth there. Pray for the Daybreak ministry, it’s a powerful outreach.
I feel like I’m really getting plugged in at New Horizons. I haven’t felt this connected to a church since my first year at Lakeside. It’s that being “plugged in” to fellow Christians that I had been needing and now it’s there.
I haven’t blogged much about my old church either. I’ve heard from a few people…Jon Masters, Kevin Twitchell, Chris Brooks, John and Barbara Stevens to name a few…and it’s good to hear from them. I called John when I was driving to Vancouver on Wednesday and it was great just to sit and chat for a bit about how things are going here and back over in Newport News. Good to hear the church is doing well there.
Roger Daniels, one of my good men from Lakeside, is a U.S. Navy instructor deployed to Bahrain. He’s maintaining a blog right now to help him stay connected to folks back at Lakeside. I got to thinking today that even though his job seems easy because he’s in a non-combat zone, he’s still separated from his family, church and livelihood for six months. Over the Christmas season, no less. We’ve got to keep him, Donna and the kids upheld in prayer. Don’t forget about ‘em all this holiday season.
Which brings me to a whole different point entirely, but it’s somewhat connected. I’ll warn you, it might pain some of you to read this, but what I have to say ahead has to be said. No holds barred.
Reading Roger’s blog constantly reminds me of my time in Baghdad. While I was there I only heard from a few people on a regular basis, and it got to me. I figured that if I was out of sight and out of mind, why should I make an effort to communicate back? That hurt me spiritually and drove a rift between me and many people in the youth group. The adults in the church were great, and helped me out a ton…but I couldn’t understand why friends in the youth group seemed to have abandoned me in large part. It’s still tough for me to get over because when I arrived back in Newport News, no one in the youth group or leadership team except for John and Barbara took the time to ask me what it was like in Iraq, pray for me and be there for me when I needed them most. No one else really took the time to sit down and talk with me about how I was doing, what I saw, or even simply asked if they could help. Spiritually, emotionally, and somewhat mentally, I was a wreck and everyone expected me to return to the youth group and everything would be okay again. Everyone patted me on the back when I came home. “Good to see you again, Chris.” “We missed you, buddy.” “Can’t wait for you to get involved again.” “Glad you didn’t die over there.”
I hate to say it, but I really got the feeling was nothing more than scenery to the youth group, much like the stained glass windows or wood pews. Time and time again I would go to the altar and pray about the spiritual pain I was suffering and no one was there to help. For six months in Iraq, and six more back at Lakeside’s youth group, I suffered spiritually, but at the same time I didn’t even want to tell anyone about it. My train of thought was, why should I tell anyone my problems when they hadn’t been there for me in the first place?
Fortunately, Kevin Twitchell became a good friend and confidant of mine, and we forged a friendship that still lasts to this day. Kevin was a true Godsend in the fact that God used him to minister to me as I needed it right before I left Virginia and arrived here. I seriously believe that if it weren’t for Kevin being a good friend of mine and praying for me through and through, that I would have easily said screw it and left Lakeside, and never looked back. God knew I needed serious help and sent Kevin.
Aftan, my mother and my father (my family, and family to be ) were a tremendous source of comfort outside of the youth group. I remember just sitting there on the phone with Aftan for hours, wondering why things were the way they were and how things turned south for me in such a hurry. She was great…I guarantee that 95% of my venting and voicing my concerns was to her. She listened better than anyone else I know. Mom and Dad constantly prayed for me, and provided some great help from an adult perspective. They told me to stick it out, that there was a reason I was still involved with the youth group, and God has a master plan. They provided all the reassurance I needed.
Why do I mention all this today? Because I’ve come full circle. I’m back at the church that I attended in my earlier years, and grew so much spiritually in. I mention all this today so I can hopefully close one of the darkest years I’ve had spiritually, and move on from it all. That’s all. God had a reason for me gutting it out there, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s not for me to know. That’s okay with me. As long as I can move on and spiritually regenerate in Christ, I’ll be fine.
In case you’ve been wondering over the past year why I’ve been the way I have, why I’ve suffered so much, visibly struggled and wrestled with different emotions, fears and misgivings, now you know.
Please keep me in your prayers. I hope you all have a great weekend, are blessed in a huge way, and that you get all your Christmas shopping done.