The World According To Chris Brewer

First of all, I would like to make what I would hope to by my final comment about the Stephanie situation for awhile. I don’t know if she reads this blog or not, but I’m gonna spill my guts yet again. My friend DeWayne was telling me earlier how brutally honest I am on this thing. Since people will listen when I tell them stuff, but for the most part they won’t do anything to try to help….I get more satisfaction articulating my thoughts into a mindless machine that spits what I type out on this huge information resource called the Internet for the world to see.

I’m sorry this has been a melancholy blog over the past few days. However, it just underscores how much Stephanie still means to me and how I still like her and value her friendship. I’m gonna hold onto it for dear life now, and you’re going to have to kill me before I let it go. Even though I have no outside help and I feel like I am swimming against the current, I am positive we can work things to be the way they once were. Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure again. Maybe I’m hoping for something I can’t have. But Chris Brewer is going to throw this vehicle into fifth gear and go as fast as he can….and if someone sets a brick wall up, I’ll hit it as hard and fast as I can.

So about the situation….we apologized to each other on Tuesday for being idiots. We forgave each other and committed to continuing on as friends. However, I have tried to reach her every day since then. Maybe it’s a good move, maybe it’s not. I just want to try to establish an open line of communication, and to try to rebuild that which has been torn down. It’s like when you’re a kid, building the best Lego creation you’ve ever made, and your best friend comes over and knocks it down. Not only do they knock it down, but while you’re sitting there in shock that your creation has been destroyed, they dismantle it piece by piece and throw it every which direction, leaving you to go get the pieces and put it back together.

I’m not saying Stephanie took my heart and ripped it into pieces and threw it everywhere, but I was heartbroken–and I still am–because she thinks her and I are completely incompatible. She loves country music, I hate it. She likes four wheeling, I would rather not do it. She likes chick flicks, I like guy flicks (sorry that last one is lame, but I had to come up with something). She loves theme parks, I can’t ride the rides because of motion sickness. But I had told her that anything she would want to do, I would do it and enjoy it because I would be with her, and she would provide all the happiness I would need.

But she doesn’t see it that way. She told me over and over she doesn’t want to date anyone right now. So why does my gut instinct tell me she is with someone else? Why, when I have heard nothing telling me she is or isn’t? Was it because she told me we couldn’t be together right out of the blue, after we had done so much for each other already? I feel like I’ll never know.

Right now, my heart still hurts. Yeah, I’m a guy, and I don’t show a lot of emotions a lot of times, but over the past few days I’ve started crying in my room alone for no reason. She hasn’t contacted me back, I’m left wondering why she doesn’t call back if everything’s okay, and I wait for the time to come when she does call back.

The thing is, I know she won’t. Unless God moves her to do it, I really honestly don’t think she will. I can’t blame her. I still think she is avoiding me. It hurts worse than anything I’ve experienced recently.

And now the thought comes into my head, as I type all this, that maybe God has caused all this to happen because I put Him on the back burner. Yes I go to church and yes, I pray, but I failed to put Him as #1 during my “get to know Stephanie” time. The only thing my mind can rationalize is the possibility (and now I believe it to be true) that God allowed this to happen and Stephanie told me we could never date each other because I didn’t put Him first.

God wasn’t the most important thing to me, so He took away the most important thing that was.

Lord, I’ve stopped shaking my fist at You. I’m done fighting against what You’re telling me. I’m not going to ask that you bring me and Stephanie back together. All I ask Lord is that you forgive me for neglecting You and go right ahead and make Yourself #1 in my life again. Change my focus.

Amen.