The World According To Chris Brewer

Sigh.

That’s about all I can do after this weekend.

Sigh again.

I’m known to all my friends as a spiritually (and most of the time, mentally) strong and level-headed guy, able to deal with most situations that come my way. This weekend, however, was my visit to Stephanie and the Indiana girls we met at the COGOP Youth Conference….and something happened there that I dealt with in the worst way ever.

To give everyone a little bit of background info, Stephanie was my…I guess you could call it “love interest” for awhile. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t like her, because I still do as much as I did before. However, she does not feel the same way about me anymore, and even though she let me know this a few weeks ago, I didn’t seem to really want to hear it until I was forced to hear it in person this weekend–and at the Indianapolis Zoo, no less.

The only thing I can take positive credit for, if any is even due, is the fact that you can’t expect someone to want to hang around a bunch of people after the girl he likes, loves, or whatever you call it, turns him down. Yeah, it hurts…and for me, it was one thing hearing it over the phone, but the famous F-bomb (and I’m not talking about F*@#, I am talking about “let’s just be friends“) really rubbed me the wrong way in person. The full realization that I was looking at the very girl I had liked for the past two months (ok, like I said, I still do like her) and actually hearing her tell me she thought we would be better off as friends, and telling me various reasons for it, hit me like a ton of bricks. Actually it was more like me hitting a brick wall and no medical personnel were around to help, instead the crowd just points and laughs.

I flipped out. I don’t want to get into full detail of what I said or did, but let me just say that some very un-Christian things happened, and now that I look back I am even shocked and disappointed at my conduct. Before you go thinking something like “I hope that boy learns his lesson,” hear me out: I already have. I am sure I have tainted many people’s opinions and views of who I am, because the only chance they got to see me, I was not acting like the real Chris Brewer. If I had another chance to redo the entire weekend, I would go back to Indianapolis in a heartbeat, apologize to everyone and try to be the best person and best Christian I could be–not to mention, the best friend to Stephanie and the rest of her friends.

Yes, I forgot my medication back here in Newport News. Doesn’t matter, it’s no excuse for my actions. I take full responsibility for the way I acted in front of my friends and their families. Like I said, I’m shocked and disgusted when I look back, and now it actually embarrasses me.

So the reason that a good portion of this weekend went so terribly is me and my trying for something I knew I couldn’t have. Shoot, I even lost focus of why I was there this weekend.

Stephanie, if you ever read this, even though I told you in person, I’m sorry for the way I acted. Maybe I might get another chance to make things right with all the other Indiana folks sometime.

Jen, Mindy, etc….if you all ever read this, I’m sorry to you guys too. I focused on something I couldn’t have instead of the fun I could have had with everyone, and I think I pretty much ruined the weekend for everybody.

I’m a guy, but that’s not gonna stop me from saying my heart hurts. I like Stephanie more than I have ever liked any other girl…and every few minutes or so, something keeps hitting me hard and telling me that her and I cannot be together.

All the while, I keep looking at the blanket she made for me, sitting right on my bed.

Sorry this post is so weak, but I had to get it all off my chest.